FYI, today, is not going to be a day related to Interior Design here on the blog today. I’m talking personal stuff…so if you would rather not read, come and visit later this week, when I will be on track again.
You know when life doesn’t go as planned? That’s where I am right now. I have had to take some time off to reflect, think and regroup.
As far as weeks go, it has been a challenging one. It started with what felt like a blow on Tuesday.
The past nine weeks we have been going through training to obtain a Foster Parenting license. We have been given lots of case studies to review to help us prepare. Most of the info is heartbreaking, but it was always about someone else.
Tuesday brought back our heartache from our loss of our son in 2011. As I reflect now, I think because the event was so unexpected, is why it was so hard.
At the end of class, we were given a packet of five envelopes as our homework, to work through each day as a representation of some of the things we might deal with as Foster parents.
When we were handed our packet, I noticed right away, that the name was the same name of the son we lost. As I was trying to process that, I noticed the age was the age our son would be now if he were still on earth with us. How could I possibly work with this “foster” child when we couldn’t have our son here with us? All our pain and loss came flooding back. It was so unexpected, which I think might have been the hardest part.
I have been able to talk about our son for a long time without tears or feeling sad. But, I think it has always been on my terms…something I brought up, never something someone would bring up out of the blue. Let alone by people who don’t know our story.
I have struggled this week to discover if God has a lesson there for me. The only thing I get is fear, which I know is not from God. I am so fearful that we will accept a child and love him/her like our own and they will be taken away from us, and I will grieve like I did when we lost our son.
So, right now I am letting this sit, knowing that God has me.
There was more on our plate this week. I won’t go into everything, but will touch on another life changer for our family.
On Friday we found out we weren’t done. Hubby us set to retire in just over a year, and he had just started the searching process for a job. But, we just got word that he is deploying in just under a month for over six months.
Ugh. I am so apprehensive. We don’t have a support system here, so really feel alone in this. I know I need to turn to God in this. I feel overwhelmed and just want to hide in my hole right now.
So, here I sit on Easter, thinking of the huge gift God has given us. My challenges are so small, compared to what Jesus suffered on the cross. I can only imagine what he thought about his support system when he was praying in the garden before his crucifixion and found his dearest friends sleeping while he was in such turmoil, and how he felt when he cried out on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
He knew ultimately that he would see his father and would not be separated from him. I really need to remind myself of this during this coming week.
Today, I am going to focus on the best gift I have. God’s love for me. He loves me so much that he sent HIS son to replace me, so I didn’t have to die in my sin. I take encouragement that he knows what it was like to lose a son.
I want to finish by saying, thank you God, that he is risen. He has risen, indeed!